ignorance-is-bliss_kendrick-lamar.mp3

Hi friends. I'm sitting here in shorts and a jumper, radiator on and windows open, wondering when my life reached this point of discordance.

I'm about to hit you with some more misinformed quasi-philosophy so take some notes bc you may use this in a discussion with your friends and make yourself seem marginally cooler/deeper (unless you're talking to a philosophy major because they WILL school you and you WILL look like a sham). And forewarning: this post is NOT about the existence of god/s. I'm playing it chill rn keeping my options open, laying off the illuminati jokes for a while in case god does actually exist but REJECTS ME FROM HEAVEN because he thinks I'm in the league of rihanna and jay z.

Life is feeling pretty purposeless right now and in times like these I wish I did have actual faith, I'm not going to lie. I would love to live not having to actually fear death bc nada is coming after life is over. I wish I were ignorant to that crushing realisation that this life, which I'm already wasting begging mcdonalds to serve me breakfast after midday, is meaningless as I have no goal to work towards as religious people do (getting a ticket 2 the afterlife). Molière feels me when he said, "a learned fool is more a fool than an ignorant fool" because I feel like a damned FOOL for not being able to get into religion. Even if god doesn't exist, I would love to live my life blissfully ignorant and happy in my last dying moments that I'm going 2 the after party in the sky (bear in mind this notion of ignorance was conflated with post-renaissance humanism and disbelief in religion so I'm not outchere calling people ignorant in a r00d way I luv all my party people).

The promise of heaven seems like the sweetest deal around, and purgatory doesn't seem that bad either if it's anything like Limbo in the gr8ly underrated 1997 movie Toothless (if you know then you know). Plus, avoiding the pressure to live your life to such a full extent that you start questioning whether your happiness is genuine or forced, authentic in the moment (and you all know how authenticity plagues my soul), has to be super blissful. Instead I got this feeling of impending death w/ no payoff creeping up on me when I'm trying to make a sandwich, or I'm chilling at the zoo, or both; when I could be daydreaming about whether in heaven we have to wear whatever we die in or whether god will have mercy because yo imagine dying in a bathtub. The only non-believers that feel any sort of bliss are the lozerz that revel in putting down peeps with faith, preaching and essentially turning atheism into a religion, but surely this is only an exercise in inflating their egos - these jokers chose to not let a set of beliefs lead their lives yet find themselves planning their lives around bi-monthly atheism conventions and coffee mornings. (As Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher that predicted the plight of the militant atheist in 500 BC, would say, "To know that you do not know is the best. To think you know when you do not is a disease." slammed by a dude born before christ, son).

I'm not saying all religious people have to be happy or trying to make you feel super guilty if you aren't (I'm no Hemingway lol!! I'm a cool mom!) As Victor Cousin spits in his latest F64, "If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people." It's just the fact that religion offers an ultimate goal to work towards, a meaning in life to get enough morality points to be truly #blessed in heaven, which is something I think everyone wants - higher purpose. Is there some sort of alternative, vegetarian option for me?

Maybe, according to rising superstar Nietzche. Dude explains that existence is endless suffering, and our suffering is indifferent to all else since we're all infinitesimal specks in a vast infinity of universes ERGO our suffering is super meaningless. This tough deal is called 'ressentiment'. Sadly, since nothing change the reality of this suffering, "ressentiment should be what is forbidden most rigorously for people who are sick - it is their great evil; and unfortunately their most natural tendency as well." Sux 2 b us. 

But Nietzche proposed that if we could deal with the hypothetical scenario of 'eternal recurrence', then we'll be able to give ourselves some way to deal with this suckish life. If we were to, hypothetically, repeat our lives where we're fated to make the exact same decisions and live out the exact same experiences again and again, 'back and forth forever ))><((' in an eternal recurrence then we should have lived our lives in a cool enough way to be happy in this situation. If we think about our lives and the dumb decisions we've made *war flashbacks to fresher's week* and think 'nah fam, ur alright with your eternal recurrence ting, I ain't about it' then it means we've succumbed to ressentiment!! Oh shit haha! So how do we NOT? Nietzche says we've got to become an 'übermensch' and live with no moral code as there is no universal one anyway, just have a will to power + LOVE LIFE!

Unfortunately there are many issues with thinking, but we can still salvage the ravings of this mad man. We could just give ours lives meaning by aiming to lead a super sick one in case we end up repeating it for eternity. Although a bit of a weak conclusion, this is probably an adequate alternative as it caters to non-believers' need to be self-aware. I think they'd much rather be good because they're thinking of the consequences in a very much hypothetical situation as opposed to being told to be good by a potential deity in the sky with the threat of BURNING HELL if they don't obey (non-believers are kind of fragile and don't like being yelled at, it's kind of sad in an endearing way actually).

So has this entire blog post been leading up to the conclusion of "just be chill"? again? YES, AND U SHUD KNOW ME BY NOW, I LOVE U THEN LEAVE U (with unsatisfactory conclusions + many pop culture references to impress ur friends with). Look, if you're a lost and unbelieving soul, then congrats on ur membership to da club - we meet every tuesday and coffee mornings are on sundays. We will never reach a conclusion I'm sorry. We've learnt that we've got to be content with the life we're leading to give it purpose; so now we've got to learn how to live in the moment genuinely in order to be content with our life experiences - but hey, Camus says we have to be "stripped of all hope" and stop searching for meaning and faith in order to truly experience physical life in the moment so believe who you want to believe.

Were u hoping for a better conclusion?

Has this blog post ruined your day now?

good, welcome 2 heartbreak~

FREE PLAYLIST: Songs to listen to after watching Marley and Me

Marley and Me is a sad movie and I hate it. This film ranks second in my 'worst animal films' list, just behind Airbud 4 (like I'm really going to believe a dog can play baseball?? please, don't patronise me). This movie is about a young and misbehaving dog named Marley who, with the love of his caring owners, becomes much more than just a boring pet to this young couple. So where I take issue with this film is: how are you going to cast Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson, making it look like a fun-filled family adventure film, when that's a STRAIGHT UP LIE?

We follow this stupid dog's story - his ups and downs, from puphood to doghood - for almost 120 minutes and then right at the end (spoiler) THE DOG DIES? IS THIS FILM JOKING? And oh great, now I'm crying about this dog I didn't even like in the first place that much because I've invested almost two hours into learning his endearing canine story of overcoming obstacles and providing endless love, wow what a great day this has become.

Anyway, I've made a 10 track FREE playlist for you to listen and download, appropriate for times of  unexpected SADNESS, feelings of DECEIT AND BETRAYAL, and the beginnings of a downward spiral into acute DEPRESSION. [Listen here // download here]

If you like this free playlist thing, I'll try and make it a monthly thing - just let me know if you're into it in the comments below cheers geezers xoxox

Bindi and beyond: a Gwen Stefani timeline of cultural appropriation

I went into Urban Outfitters on Oxford Street the other week and they had a dedicated section to cultural appropriation -one wall of the store was dedicated to clothing with Ganesh, yin yangs, obligatory native American headdresses and Rastafari-esque prints. It was considerate of them to compartmentalise their problematic clothing into one area however their shame still showed. The entire store was offensive anyway; I couldn't decide what was worse, the appropriating clothing, extortionate pricing, or the lame in-store probably vegan Black Sheep Coffee shop where a beardy man makes watery drinks whilst you browse their collection of about five vinyl records. My real issue with the store though was, why is Vishnu now a fashion print? Have white people really run out of pastel colours and varieties of flower crowns so they need to appropriate existing cultures now?

the 90's were an amazingly shameless time in which we lived in

I'm making it sound like cultural appropriation is a new thing but it's not. Going back as far as my lil millennial memory takes me, Gwen Stefani comes to mind (fun fact: I got the image on the right from an Urban Outfitter's blog post on how to be bindi-era Gwen for HALLOWEEN. I'll stop complaining about cultural appropriation when cultural items stop being used as mere party costumes bYE). She paved the way for mainstream appropriation, starting with the bindi; since then the bindi has been worn as a 'symbol of female sensuality' by the likes of Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Azealia Banks, Selena Gomez, Iggy Azaela, Madonna, Shakira and many more. When Priyanka Chopra (real life Indian and Hindu) was asked about musicians wearing the bindi for fashion, she said, "I think it's great that musicians are discovering the beauty of the bindi. In today's day and age, the bindi is not restricted to religious or traditional purposes, but is actually a very popular fashion accessory." I would argue that it being a very popular fashion accessory for non-Hindus, yet still being a point of ridicule in many offensive Indian stereotypes shows an unfair cultural exchange. I suppose the actual wearing of the bindi isn't offensive however the fact that it's only deemed fashion on non-Hindus is the problematic aspect. All-round cool kid Grimes is probably the only person I've seen apologise for wearing bindis, and has stopped wearing them even though it was normalised for her growing up with her step-dad being Hindu.

Following Gwen Stefani's cultural appropriation timeline, she moved onto Japanese culture when bindis got a bit last season. Her backing dancers the Harajuku Girls were rechristened Love, Angel, Music and Baby, an acronym for her clothing line L.A.M.B. so quite literally turning them into a marketing tool. They were CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to only speak Japanese in public, or remain silent stoic and 'doll-like'. Gwen Stefani said she was "surprised how racist everybody was about them." Good try at a save, ma. I, as a 9 year old chica, loved Gwen and the Harajuku Girls because they were sassy and - I will say it - ka-ka-ka-kawaii. But looking back at it, I feel super uncomfortable watching any of the videos they feature in because it's so confidently and unashamedly exploitative and perpetuates this gross stereotype of submissive and quiet Japanese girls. Does anything really need to be said about Avril Lavigne's latest attempt at representing Japanese culture? Not really because her Hello Kitty song/video is so beautifully lazy (it's a tragic appropriation of Gwen Stefani's 2004 success lmao rest in peace Avril Lavigne's career 2000-2008r boi). Katy Perry also had a go at Japanese culture with her Geisha AMA's performance which some people thought was actually informed and tasteful in her standards, however we must remember this is the same person who said about Japanese people, "I'm so obsessed I want to skin you and wear you like Versace".

So where did Gwen go next?? Obviously native Americans. Also done by Lana del Rey, Pharrell and Phantogram (the latter two actually apologised), No Doubt's video for Looking Hot was the most wildly misinformed and I think we all expected better from 2012. Singing about looking hot, dressed in native-American sexualised clothing and being tied up isn't the most appropriate thing to do with a culture infamous for the amount of rape and abuse they have been subjected to (similar sins were committed by Victoria's Secret a week later). I guess this new fashion of white American's wearing the clothing of people their ancestors killed became a cool thing, because headdresses are now a staple fashion at music festivals like Coachella and Urban Outfitters even came out with a line of 'Navajo' clothing. Amasing.

This whole blog post makes me kind of sad, because I kind of love Gwen Stefani's music. But it's possible to enjoy something yet acknowledge problematic aspects and feign from blindly revering that person (see this amazing piece of yellow-face that people always seem to ignore when they buttlick Jean Luc Godard. "Yeh but it woz satire" yeah but it was still SUPER DISCOMFORT-MAKING). As I have been seen to do on twitter, I will fight you if you tell me shitsense like "cultural appropriation is okay if it's done right" [actual quote via someone I will not name but am still laughing at 4ever and always]. Cultural appropriation will always be problematic because it presents an unequitable exchange between the white-Western world and the cultures it is taking from. Things like bindis and native American headdresses are taken and turned into a fashion, yet these cultures are receiving nothing in return. They can't take fashions from bland white-America, nor do they get any economic gain or respect. In fact, it only substantiates stereotypes, can disrespect the cultures and make way for this idea that 'it looks fashionable on a white person, but looks otherly and alien on people of the culture of origin'. I ain't about it, son.

Also, I get people asking me " is it okay if I...." look, go nuts and wear whatever if you're aware of the origin, are doing so tastefully, and are in an environment in which others from that culture are welcoming you to do it (e.g. wearing a sari at an Indian wedding) - that wouldn't be cultural appropriation, it's an exploration of culture I guess. Just don't call it your summer fashion 2k14 ok.

--

[UPDATE!! As of July 14th, Urban Outfitters have pulled a Lord Ganesh duvet from their online store. This was less about the illustration itself and more about the product as Rajan Zed, a Hindu activist from Nevada and president of the Universal Society of Hinduism said “You can put him in a frame and on the wall. That is fine, but it is not to be put on the bed, on which you lie and your feet will go on. That is very inappropriate." (similar to the Ganesh socks they were made to pull in December, "Lord Ganesh was highly revered in Hinduism and was meant to be worshipped in temples or home shrines and not to be wrapped around one's foot."). Not super relevant to my blog post but is interesting to note how being uninformed of the origin can turn appreciation into appropriation.]

dolphin wears hat, wins heart of nation

figure 1: dolphin wears hat, holds cane, and rocks my world

I'm struggling with what to write my next blog post about. I've already rinsed the whole mainstream 2010's culture thing - how do I keep writing about my daily life as a post millennium party person when I am doing anything but partying? - and can probably never top my magnum opus that is the study into the Monites as far as the less informative posts go. At one point, I decided I would make a post about sea animals wearing people clothes but this idea came to an abrupt halt when a google image search retrieved v. few noteworthy results (a shady sea lion in sunglasses, penguins wearing the traditional Korean 'hanbok' and a showbiz dolphin - figure 1).

I feel like Clint Eastwood- once at my prime, once Dirty Harry; but after two months of not blogging I have deteriorated to an loon talking to a chair (THE FUNNEST OF FACTS: the incident has its own wikipedia page). Both mind and body go with old age and he is proof, which is why I do sodoku puzzles most days and walk up and down the stairs to keep my joints nimble and supple. In that way, I suppose he's my inspiration. I could do a blog post on staying healthy and young but this would not be entertaining.

How much can I really write about millennials and iphones and macklemore when we're all living it already? Who am I? What is my purpose? Does anyone care for more than 5 minutes until the next outrage comes along? Is this what if feels like to write for buzzfeed?

I thought my post about pasta shapes was filler but I guess this truly is. Up next: cultural appropriation, overrated white men and some more of my wild misinterpretations of philosophy!!

the audacity of pasta

Hi friends/millenium kidz. I've got some more serious issues to turn into dumb blog posts that do not adequately address the seriousness of the issues (cultural appropriation, does art negate the sins of the artist) BUT UNTIL THEN I've made this quick post about pasta to tide you over.

When I'm not blogging (bc I'm a blogger) I am TWEETING. The Tweeter is a really cool site that lets you say stuff in 140 or less characters which is great because that's basically the capacity of my brain. I use my tweeter to tweet about persian rugs, goldfish, and much more. Recently I have been tweeting about the exploitative nature of pasta shapes, and the false consciousness we have been living under. Below is the full tale.

If we've learned anything from this blog post, it is that 1) people who buy particular pasta shapes are delusional and cannot face reality, 2) all pasta tastes the same and 3) I clearly cannot let a joke die gracefully. Note, I wanted to entitle this blog post 'pastacity', a portmanteau of pasta and audacity, but it sounds like a new-wave funk band (maybe a lot of synth, maybe a lot of sauce) so I decided against it. 'Pastastic' was another idea however it suggests I think the variety of pasta shapes are fantastic - this is not so.

So what are YOUR views on pasta shapes? What is your favourite shape of pasta? Are you disappointed in me for not writing an actual blog post? And if you could be any pasta shape, what would you be? (I would be a bowtie because it is indicative of a GOOD TIME.)

(whispers) follow me on twitter

I almost support normcore

Hello party people of the night, I got some more *middle class white woman working for the Telegraph voice* 'popular culture news' for you!! Something occurred on the internet in the last few weeks and I'm here to inform u, so u can casually bring it up in conversation and stay ultra relevant (I got ur back, papi).

NORMCORE has been named the definitive fashion of white peeps. To dress normcore, one must wear straight leg denims, of which you do not remember the brand name but it's probably from Gap, a plain Fruit of the Loom T-Shirt and shoes of no particular type - just shoes. If you're having a tough time imagining it then stop trying, and just think of Larry David. Vogue define it as "a bland anti-style," but the question remains whether it's super hip to make having no style into a style, or whether it just means you don't love yourself enough. Some Normcore kidz did some explaining, "Normcore doesn't want the freedom to become someone, normcore moves away from a coolness that relies on difference to a post-authenticity that opt into sameness." Although, if you're begging to be the same then why try and be different and alienating by giving this fashion a name?? Why not call the fashion 'post-grunge' (when the music died, all the 90's teens grew up and got jobs in unprofessional but secure managerial positions) and stop trying to be innovative (ref: seapunk)? I'm full of questions, papi - here are some more:

why is white people's lack of culture being turned into a culture?

wasn't grunge enough of a white fashion or did they feel guilty for using yin yangs too often in the 90s?

weren't snuggies enough of a sweet white style?

IDK, YOU TELL ME, FRIENDS. I would say let them claim blandness lmao plus there's no cultural appropriation in sight!! This weird style is putting a calm end to the problematic Gwen Stefani era of style where apologies for wearing a native american headdress were "but I'm 1/24th cherokee!!" as opposed to a solemn "soz." White people NOT getting tense at being made to feel white guilt, white people NOT appropriating my culture, white people SHARING this new normcore culture with all cultures - this is brilliant and I'm not kidding (I never joke). So what if normcore is super lame and not cool - at least it's not harmful. Oh wait, hold up papi I got one more question actually:

is it problematic that the 'norm' in normcore is synonymous with white?

oh shit ma! we found the issue!! HAHA DAMN!! This emergence of a solely western, americanised fashion where 'white culture' is the norm, wow that sux but idk what I can do about these little things except move on in the fight for equality lol. Ce la vie, nahmean? I really thought we made a breakthrough haha oh man oh well, maybe next time.

---

B T DUBZ a lil disclaimer to the ones I luv - I've used the term 'white ppl' a lot in this blog post, but with no malice, so to my twitter h8rs/reverse-racist accusers who happen to be of the white complexion:

many white people are good friends of mine, I'm very familiar with the white community
— Ayesha A. Siddiqi (@pushinghoops) November 26, 2012

stay strong, bcos I do x

love thyselfie

I hope you all had a fine valentines day, my champagne papis and mamis, and all ur wildest dreams came tru. Capitalising on the spirit of love that I feel in the chill air, I thought I'd look at self love (I think OUTSIDE the BOX) and address all the h8 that selfies get.

Selfie game strong, mental health game weak

A hip abbreviation of 'self portrait', or an unnecessary elongation of 'self'?? Whatever its etymology, it is essentially a photo taken of oneself - usually at half a yard's distance because of our species' embarrassingly short arm span, or in the reflection of a mirror. So when did such a wildly arbitrary thing garner such HATE??

The selfie originated on the myspace, unfortunately v. alien to me because I was not a part of the phenomenon. I do know, however, that it was previously known as the MYSPACE PIC. Its defining feature being that it was taken from a high angle, with either a guitar or weed in hand (depending on whether you were EMO or an aspiring grime artist). The myspace pic was, and still is, kind of lame though because you were in your bedroom with no friends dressing nice for a photo in your mirror. Nevertheless it paved the way for the selfie, pointing towards the inevitability that our generation was to become the most self-absorbed yet.

As we moved on to Facebook in the Millennial's constant struggle to find a place where we truly belong, the myspace pic waned in popularity. We were forced back into taking photos with 'friends' and 'buildings' and 'nature' because society's value consensus is cruel, hates individuality and refused to let me live out my punk rock persona (among other evils, facebook also gave rise to the sharing of MEMES, and so it is with gr8 detestation that I have a profile on my generation's one true outlet).

Selfie was one of Time magazine's 2012 buzzwords. Buzzwords are integral to the fabric of our lives - idk where I'd be without my favourite buzzwords p-zom, lamestreamer and caucasity. Even higher validation came from selfie being chosen by the Oxford Dictionary (our lord and saviour's dictionary of choice) as the word of the year. Although I would say it essentially began on the 29th March, 2013 - the Selfie Wikipedia page began construction, thereby christening it RELEVANT (I did wild research to find this date 4 u). If these endorsements do not convince you to jam ur h8 on selfies, then maybe some COLD, HARD REASONING will convince u.

The selfie does not represent selfishness; rather, it represents self-love. I defo don't think it's narcissism in my opinion. Yes, a huge part of it is the affirmation you receive when you get hella likes and comments, and feel crown; but if all these meaningless likes raise your selfie-esteem then keep doing it. When I post a selfie, u better know I have to take about 50 photos until I arrive at one decent enough to upload. So the fact that I even manage to put one photo of myself up and feel at peace with myself and the transient world I live in is a gr8 feeling - dare I say, selfie-validation. The humble selfie has helped me personally come to the conclusion that I'm NOT ugly, just at certain angles w/ certain lighting arrangements.

And so what if you are a little narcissistic, and getting bare likes on your selfies simply gets you gassed? Do what makes YOU happy with yourself because self gratification is the only meaning of life I'm certain of. As famous philosophers Ayn Rand, Yang Zhu and Will Smith prophesied, our lives' aim is the PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS. So all you selfie haters need to stop denying your ultimate goal - no matter how bad you wish you were born in another decade like the 60's, listening to racist music on smooth vinyls, you are part of a post-millennium generation. You will forever be associated with these selfie-takers u despise and one day, in the year 3000, some bionic boy is going to open up a history book on his holographic Kindle and remember you and your generation as selfie-takers, even though you wasted ur life aggressively trying to disassociate yourself from them. Just embrace the abundance of self love and get with the times. We're in the age of the selfie: dnt b afraid.

MACKLECORN

I usually pay zero attention to the Grammys because it's broadcast way past my bedtime (motherfuckas nevr loved us). Although this year I happened to be awake at 1am because I opened a bag of popcorn LIKE A FOOL and had to eat it in the moment or else it would go stale. You didn't miss anything tbh, except for Pharrell dressing like he's a tenenbaum searching for yogi bear, Taylor Swift's team getting prematurely hype for the best record award and Macklemore's winning four grammys: best new artist, best rap album, best rap performance and best rap song (how a middleclass hetero male writing two anthems for poor and homosexual people respectively won anything is sort of beyond me).

As an apology for his success was deeply overdue for robbing Kendrick Lamar of many an award, he texted K-drickle an apology which he tweeted and instagrammed (via white guilt). It was chill but full of empty words and lacking any redeeming emojis:

My friend you didn't contest your wins on stage because you wanted those awards - just speak the truth I have no time for bumfluff. This is the issue - I know he's only one man but if he can become the patron saint of rap-listening-white-homosexuals then surely he could've braved up and made one point about how backward the grammy wins were WHEN HE WAS AT THE PODIUM COLLECTING HIS BABY GRAMOPHONES. 

This man is straight up snatching stuff from people (man's album called the heist lmao). I don't want to turn this into a race issue but it sort of is when you're winning the rap game because of your white privilege, and aren't even making movements to address this despite being aware (shown by the fact that he apologised). I'm not saying black people should just BE HANDED any rap/hip-hop award but it would help if they won when their music is actually better - "the myth of American progress cannot go forward without black folks occupying the space of the morally and politically retrograde" (via Brittney Cooper aka truth dealer). Macklecorn even gets praised higher for what he's done for gay awareness in rap with his song Same Love than Frank Ocean will ever get for actually being bisexual in the r&b scene. I get that Macklemore can reach a wider audience with the universal message of free love but when a straight man is leading the gay agenda then I think it can be seen as issue.This man should be wildly unimportant to our lives and his music is irrelevant and not as progressive as middle class white dominated publications like to make him out to be. 

Idk who I should be mad at though, the man himself or the peeps that gave him the awards. Apparently the Grammy Committee's wild back-pedalling extends to saying they almost excluded Macklemore and Ryan Lewis from the rap category all together. A mysterious source from the Grammys claimed this was because they "found more fans in pop than rap," but after put to a vote, he was kept in by a "landslide decision." So basically zero progression there but thanks 4 the story. 

Is it Macklemore's fault or the Grammy committee's OR WHITE AMERICA'S? Idk all I know is man looks like cultural-appropriation-era miley cyrus. It isn't even about Macklemore being untalented because idek if he is or not, he got nominated so he must be decent enough? It's just that there were clearly BETTER artists up for nomination that lost out to him (I call CONSIPIRACY, imma put it out there). Furthermore, man didn't contest it when it mattered the most - during the live award ceremony - so his apology is v. weak imo. We need Mackle-less (lmao) self aware white people actually robbing more deserving people of their herald whilst sitting docile like they can't do anything with their centuries worth of privilege they collect like stamps. Even though we shouldn't pay attention to the lame Grammy committee's decisions who have now reduced the worth of their shiny and artisan awards, it's unfortunately still relevant because they speak 2 the mainstrm. This is so problematic imma need to lie down and count to ten.

HOW TO: fake genuineness

A quick UPDATE RE: my last blog post: - my jaw is still not well. It clicks more than an audience at a poetry slam. Thank u for all ur advice, but I guess I'll just have to wait for time to heal all :(

Anyway

I received some v positive responses on my blogpost mega slamming the alt-life. I did not, however, provide any solutions to the mnstrm v alt debate. I was v suggestive that we abandon our attempts at being alternative and just become mainstreamers however this is not the truth I wish to preach. Ultimately our interests should be what we enjoy and not chosen for the cool points they come with. Cool points are great, I collect them avidly, but what we need in our lives is BALANCE. To be a genuine, non-fad following, non-hipster-begging person, we must be both at once. A NON-DUALITY of mainstream and alternative. And, if you're lacking in one, fake it (best advice I've ever given I think).

Because I know how bad the internet loves list-style teachings on how 2 live ur lives (ref: buzzfeed, the 10 commandments), and because my blog is full of truth, I have created a short guide focussing on three areas of interest explaining how to fake ur way into being genuine. So put on your seatbelts because I'm about to drive you down the North Circular of life and there is tons of traffic so abrupt stopping and starting is to be expected, but we will arrive at the Little Chef of understanding and enlightenment v soon I promise.

MUSIK

You dig this old Elvis Presley track. Gr8!! What's not to dig? He had major style and wild music skills. Now, counterbalance this with the new Katy Perry album. Don't like Katy Perry? Neither do I but my friend, we all have to make sacrifices. No one will take you seriously as a person if you claim to have a refined music palette - this is a telling sign of someone that spends all their time researching KEWL music on the internet and downloading Wes Anderson soundtracks. Additionally, if you ever speak of that rad Elvis track you must mention that your parents or their parents showed it to you - I do not want to see any bragging about discovering some gem of an mp3 on your own accord even if it's truuuu.

However don't think your hours/years of trawling through alt playlists have gone to waste. I heard Pacific Air's (formerly known as KO KO) Float On three years ago on some - at the time - obscuro Birp! playlist. Today I heard it on Come Dine With Me. LIKE FINE WINE, FINE MUSIC WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME VALUABLE TO THE MASSES. Just keep your indie love on the dl until they hit it big. No. 1 rule: NEVER say "I've been a fan before they went mainstream." If you say that I will drop u (from the b ball team).

Now hippy hop is a v. complicated subject when faking genuineness. If you're a blessed poc then you do not need to fake any love for the music of our collective ancestry (this also applies to any 'cultural' music e.g. the sitar stylings of the l8 and gr8 ravi shankar bless his soul). If you're white (i.e. if it takes you longer than a season of Lost to name every 1/8th and 1/24th of your heritage), then the only black rappers you're allowed to "feel" is childish gambino 'because the internet', and tyler the creator because you are his target audience and his marketing game is strong. Look, I'm real sorry about this one. You may really like Nas and mos def, but you run the risk of being accused of 'not getting it'. You can listen, just don't hype too much because both the real world and the internet are full of peeps ready to throw white guilt at u.

FILM

Once again, take counterbalancing as a rule of thumb. For every new wave French film you watch, you must watch one blockbuster from this year. I don't care if you don't like superhero movies, your personal interests are beyond the point especially if they border on hipster. The aim here is to fake your identity into a well-rounded and genuine one. For instance, you watch Un Femme est un Femme (a well known Godard film, you get extra points for not picking an obscure one). You must balance this with an Avenger film. Conversation may go as such:

"The light-hearted view of relationships may be conflated with Parisians when it is actually the essence of the French new wave film genre - not the people. But yo, that bit in Iron Man 2 where he did the thing with the light up hands, shit that was #INSANE." (I have not seen any Avengers films lmao but COULD YOU TELL?)

Do your peers still think you're not being real? Do they see through your attempts at faking genuineness?? Here is the fall-back plan: WILDLY SLANDER A WES ANDERSON FILM. you may lose the respect of your hipster friends that you go to poetry readings with, but you'll gain the type of friends that would have your back in a knife fight and I think they're more important anyway.

FADS

If you're sharing my posts on google+, chances are you're a middle class white man who is over 23 but less than 32 (you are in a v. pivotal time of your life and I hope all goes well). If you're tweeting me, you've moved on from your 12+ oyster, 16+ oyster, and are now on the coveted 18+ oyster! And if you're reblogging me on tumblr then I know nothing of your life (I am both intrigued but cautious of internet strangers). Depending on our lifestyles, we all have different internet habits and may view different internet stuffs. Like the selection at Claire's Accessories, there really is something for everyone on the web. I'm not going to tell you how to navigate such a complicated network of porn and forums and porn forums - my only guidance here is to stick to the established internet culture of blogs, sites, social networks and memes (this is the only time I will ever advocate them), filter out the lame ones and DO NOT create new ones. We tend see a genuine thing, appreciate the genuine thing, then think how could we make this genuine thing more hip and current yet effortless. This is how seapunk happened and I am still recovering from it.

THIS is a genuwine appreciation for the sea and THIS is genuwine punk. Somehow these copulated up seapunk. The Guardian called it a "music internet joke subculture" but 2012 saw it become v. real and no longer a joke but a v unfunny and effortful fashion. Some peeps got mad

HOW MUCH DID AZAELIA BANKS GET ON BUDGET TO MAKE THE VIDEO FOR ATLANTIS? HOW MUCH DID SNL PAY RIHANNA TO ACT LIKE GRIMES ON A GREEN SCREEN?
— ∞SHANTASY☻ISLAND➫ (@ZOMBELLE_) November 12, 2012

but tbh if you're getting mad about this then you've been on the internet 4 too long. It's been 11 minutes since I found out about seapunk and I'm already over it. I could link some articles that will skool u on the seapunk controversies but it is wildly unimportant 2 our lives. What you should take away from this is if you see a new fad on the internet, my advice is: don't. imo you should get off the internet all together and go to Gok Wan for trend advice if you really don't want to look like you're joking.

CONCLUSION

I can't remember which bits of this are actual TRUTH and which bits are carefully constructed self-aware satire, but I would say don't take this guide as gospel - just remember it b4 u talk a big game about all the truffaut films u watch. People are always ready to call you out on your ingenuineness (ppl are cruel) so be proud of your quirks and interests, but don't get too hype and let them define you. I went to the midnight mass with my v. religious mum on xmas and the priest preached "moderation in moderation" i.e. BE CHILL - priestman killah may be right if he was talking about hipsterdom. Idk who am I to tell you how to live your life?? I've defined cool for you, and now I've given you some sweet tips on how to maintain this cool. So, in this on-going struggle between altlife and mainstream life, my definitive words of advice are: seek balance, and the cool will find u.

retribution

I am writing this in the early hours of the 8th January, Wednesday morning, 3am. I have my family around me. I am blessed with no allergies and my immune system is the envy of many a fallen friend yet, like the casual customer of Argos who's waited 3-5 working days for their new wristwatch to be delivered, MY TIME HAS COME. I have self-diagnosed TEMPOROMANDIBULAR JOINT DISORDER. About 20-30% of adults will suffer from this throughout their lives. You know how scary that is? I've nevr been in the minority other than in terms of ethnicity but that is another, bigger problem 2 be discussed l8r.

I am FRICKING the FUKK OUT right now, my friends. I'VE NEVR HAD A DISORDER - DISORDER SUGGESTS CHAOS AND MY BEING IS NOT READY FOR THIS WHEN I OCCASIONALLY GET STITCHES FROM THAT LITTLE JOG YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU. I even wrote positively dark diary entries documenting this bodily deterioration and I'm sorry in advance if I scare you but my soul is also afraid for my well-being and my chakra is out of whack right now, I'm losing who I am to my affliction. 

2/1/2014: "My body is breaking down. Joints audibly creak like my door did before mum rubbed Vaseline into the hinges. I will not take the chance of brittle bones in my youth and as such drank almost a litre of semi-skimmed milk today in a wild panic; I'm sure I weed most of the calcium out though. My jaw also clicks occasionally in the way your thumb and middle finger slide off each other as opposed to the sound itself. When I try to show someone though, the clicking stops. My body is developing skills to make sure any major illnesses go undetected and this makes me feel unjustly targeted as I don't tend to mistreat my bones." 

I knew from day two of 2014 that my body was CONSPIRING AGAINST ME. Is this what A$ap Rocky was talking abt? I would NEVR talk shit, especially if I knew I'd consequently get lock jaw. Still confused and frankly hurt by this unwarranted attack on my being from within, I continued to diary-write. 

4/1/2014: "My jaw has clicked to different degrees of severity all day. Decaying from head to toe, inside to outside; my jaw bone will be the first of me to go. Although I am wildly worried I may never chew unassisted again I am more concerned with whether this sudden breakdown of my being is my body punishing me for not drinking 8 glasses of water a day. As soon as I had this thought, I drank 4 glasses of water successively. I will work through the internal attack as best I can and try and reason with my body via vitamin D supplements."

5/1/2014: "Like chalk rubbing against chalk, the joint will wear softly away and my jaw will be last seen on the ground." 

7/1/2014: The left side of my jaw has, regrettably, slipped. The clicks are so consistent and frequent that I have succumbed to self-diagnosis. Temporomandibular Joint Disorder sounds v uncool and, although harmless, will impact my quality of life. Despite being a disorder, I will gain zero sympathy because this is a joke disorder. I will trust my self-diagnosis because I fear, as others experience with bipolar disorder, having 'temporomandibular joint disorder' on my medical records may affect my future job prospects. The chances of this are negligible however, with my quality of life soon to be impacted I cannot risk any other area of my life being affected by this cruel affliction. I am deteriorating from the crown to the floor; my neck aches now. My weak body is irreparable and I will soon start to see bonedust trailing behind on the floor - I prophesy the end of January because snow is forecast then." 

 I'm not sure what I was smoking when I wrote all of that, but it was definitely not drugs because I'm far too square to even joke abt doing anything illegal. My diary entries may sound like The Cure b-sides, but my dark and sexy writing is besides the point. The spooky tone is the well-known narrative voice of a girl that knows she has lost a battle against her temporomandibular joint. This is a sad day 4 rock n roll.

I'm making it out to be far more serious than it is (it's not srs at all, honestly, feel no pity 4 me), but TJD has so many syllables that it gets its own official abbreviation. Do you know what this implies? THAT IT'S A SEVERE AND LIFE-ALTERING DISORDER. IT'S NOT, THOUGH!! BUT SOMEONE WITH AN ACTUAL DISORDER IS GOING TO CALL ME OUT ON WRITING THIS WHINY POST AND EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M A DISORDER PHONY. WHAT A LIFE. My problem really isn't a big deal, but allow me to at least express my irrational yet deeply set fears in the privacy of my blog. How about if I'm talking 2 a potential life partner and he makes me laugh hella and my jaw just locks? u can't even pretend that's cute -yh you've seen films romanticise bipolar disorder, but how abt jaw lock? Or what if I'm in Japan 4 an undisclosed but v. important reason and I'm eating some fine food with some fine friends, then my jaw just locks up before I finish my meal? You can't not finish a meal in Japan - that is of great disrespect and I would bring shame upon the countries of which I am an ambassador for. This particular scenario could potentially be life-ruining. I'd carry that shame back to the UK and my friends would exclude me because of my differences. What if my peers start to call me 'Waka Locka Flame'? What if ppl laugh at me?~