retribution

I am writing this in the early hours of the 8th January, Wednesday morning, 3am. I have my family around me. I am blessed with no allergies and my immune system is the envy of many a fallen friend yet, like the casual customer of Argos who's waited 3-5 working days for their new wristwatch to be delivered, MY TIME HAS COME. I have self-diagnosed TEMPOROMANDIBULAR JOINT DISORDER. About 20-30% of adults will suffer from this throughout their lives. You know how scary that is? I've nevr been in the minority other than in terms of ethnicity but that is another, bigger problem 2 be discussed l8r.

I am FRICKING the FUKK OUT right now, my friends. I'VE NEVR HAD A DISORDER - DISORDER SUGGESTS CHAOS AND MY BEING IS NOT READY FOR THIS WHEN I OCCASIONALLY GET STITCHES FROM THAT LITTLE JOG YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU. I even wrote positively dark diary entries documenting this bodily deterioration and I'm sorry in advance if I scare you but my soul is also afraid for my well-being and my chakra is out of whack right now, I'm losing who I am to my affliction. 

2/1/2014: "My body is breaking down. Joints audibly creak like my door did before mum rubbed Vaseline into the hinges. I will not take the chance of brittle bones in my youth and as such drank almost a litre of semi-skimmed milk today in a wild panic; I'm sure I weed most of the calcium out though. My jaw also clicks occasionally in the way your thumb and middle finger slide off each other as opposed to the sound itself. When I try to show someone though, the clicking stops. My body is developing skills to make sure any major illnesses go undetected and this makes me feel unjustly targeted as I don't tend to mistreat my bones." 

I knew from day two of 2014 that my body was CONSPIRING AGAINST ME. Is this what A$ap Rocky was talking abt? I would NEVR talk shit, especially if I knew I'd consequently get lock jaw. Still confused and frankly hurt by this unwarranted attack on my being from within, I continued to diary-write. 

4/1/2014: "My jaw has clicked to different degrees of severity all day. Decaying from head to toe, inside to outside; my jaw bone will be the first of me to go. Although I am wildly worried I may never chew unassisted again I am more concerned with whether this sudden breakdown of my being is my body punishing me for not drinking 8 glasses of water a day. As soon as I had this thought, I drank 4 glasses of water successively. I will work through the internal attack as best I can and try and reason with my body via vitamin D supplements."

5/1/2014: "Like chalk rubbing against chalk, the joint will wear softly away and my jaw will be last seen on the ground." 

7/1/2014: The left side of my jaw has, regrettably, slipped. The clicks are so consistent and frequent that I have succumbed to self-diagnosis. Temporomandibular Joint Disorder sounds v uncool and, although harmless, will impact my quality of life. Despite being a disorder, I will gain zero sympathy because this is a joke disorder. I will trust my self-diagnosis because I fear, as others experience with bipolar disorder, having 'temporomandibular joint disorder' on my medical records may affect my future job prospects. The chances of this are negligible however, with my quality of life soon to be impacted I cannot risk any other area of my life being affected by this cruel affliction. I am deteriorating from the crown to the floor; my neck aches now. My weak body is irreparable and I will soon start to see bonedust trailing behind on the floor - I prophesy the end of January because snow is forecast then." 

 I'm not sure what I was smoking when I wrote all of that, but it was definitely not drugs because I'm far too square to even joke abt doing anything illegal. My diary entries may sound like The Cure b-sides, but my dark and sexy writing is besides the point. The spooky tone is the well-known narrative voice of a girl that knows she has lost a battle against her temporomandibular joint. This is a sad day 4 rock n roll.

I'm making it out to be far more serious than it is (it's not srs at all, honestly, feel no pity 4 me), but TJD has so many syllables that it gets its own official abbreviation. Do you know what this implies? THAT IT'S A SEVERE AND LIFE-ALTERING DISORDER. IT'S NOT, THOUGH!! BUT SOMEONE WITH AN ACTUAL DISORDER IS GOING TO CALL ME OUT ON WRITING THIS WHINY POST AND EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M A DISORDER PHONY. WHAT A LIFE. My problem really isn't a big deal, but allow me to at least express my irrational yet deeply set fears in the privacy of my blog. How about if I'm talking 2 a potential life partner and he makes me laugh hella and my jaw just locks? u can't even pretend that's cute -yh you've seen films romanticise bipolar disorder, but how abt jaw lock? Or what if I'm in Japan 4 an undisclosed but v. important reason and I'm eating some fine food with some fine friends, then my jaw just locks up before I finish my meal? You can't not finish a meal in Japan - that is of great disrespect and I would bring shame upon the countries of which I am an ambassador for. This particular scenario could potentially be life-ruining. I'd carry that shame back to the UK and my friends would exclude me because of my differences. What if my peers start to call me 'Waka Locka Flame'? What if ppl laugh at me?~