MACKLECORN

I usually pay zero attention to the Grammys because it's broadcast way past my bedtime (motherfuckas nevr loved us). Although this year I happened to be awake at 1am because I opened a bag of popcorn LIKE A FOOL and had to eat it in the moment or else it would go stale. You didn't miss anything tbh, except for Pharrell dressing like he's a tenenbaum searching for yogi bear, Taylor Swift's team getting prematurely hype for the best record award and Macklemore's winning four grammys: best new artist, best rap album, best rap performance and best rap song (how a middleclass hetero male writing two anthems for poor and homosexual people respectively won anything is sort of beyond me).

As an apology for his success was deeply overdue for robbing Kendrick Lamar of many an award, he texted K-drickle an apology which he tweeted and instagrammed (via white guilt). It was chill but full of empty words and lacking any redeeming emojis:

My friend you didn't contest your wins on stage because you wanted those awards - just speak the truth I have no time for bumfluff. This is the issue - I know he's only one man but if he can become the patron saint of rap-listening-white-homosexuals then surely he could've braved up and made one point about how backward the grammy wins were WHEN HE WAS AT THE PODIUM COLLECTING HIS BABY GRAMOPHONES. 

This man is straight up snatching stuff from people (man's album called the heist lmao). I don't want to turn this into a race issue but it sort of is when you're winning the rap game because of your white privilege, and aren't even making movements to address this despite being aware (shown by the fact that he apologised). I'm not saying black people should just BE HANDED any rap/hip-hop award but it would help if they won when their music is actually better - "the myth of American progress cannot go forward without black folks occupying the space of the morally and politically retrograde" (via Brittney Cooper aka truth dealer). Macklecorn even gets praised higher for what he's done for gay awareness in rap with his song Same Love than Frank Ocean will ever get for actually being bisexual in the r&b scene. I get that Macklemore can reach a wider audience with the universal message of free love but when a straight man is leading the gay agenda then I think it can be seen as issue.This man should be wildly unimportant to our lives and his music is irrelevant and not as progressive as middle class white dominated publications like to make him out to be. 

Idk who I should be mad at though, the man himself or the peeps that gave him the awards. Apparently the Grammy Committee's wild back-pedalling extends to saying they almost excluded Macklemore and Ryan Lewis from the rap category all together. A mysterious source from the Grammys claimed this was because they "found more fans in pop than rap," but after put to a vote, he was kept in by a "landslide decision." So basically zero progression there but thanks 4 the story. 

Is it Macklemore's fault or the Grammy committee's OR WHITE AMERICA'S? Idk all I know is man looks like cultural-appropriation-era miley cyrus. It isn't even about Macklemore being untalented because idek if he is or not, he got nominated so he must be decent enough? It's just that there were clearly BETTER artists up for nomination that lost out to him (I call CONSIPIRACY, imma put it out there). Furthermore, man didn't contest it when it mattered the most - during the live award ceremony - so his apology is v. weak imo. We need Mackle-less (lmao) self aware white people actually robbing more deserving people of their herald whilst sitting docile like they can't do anything with their centuries worth of privilege they collect like stamps. Even though we shouldn't pay attention to the lame Grammy committee's decisions who have now reduced the worth of their shiny and artisan awards, it's unfortunately still relevant because they speak 2 the mainstrm. This is so problematic imma need to lie down and count to ten.

HOW TO: fake genuineness

A quick UPDATE RE: my last blog post: - my jaw is still not well. It clicks more than an audience at a poetry slam. Thank u for all ur advice, but I guess I'll just have to wait for time to heal all :(

Anyway

I received some v positive responses on my blogpost mega slamming the alt-life. I did not, however, provide any solutions to the mnstrm v alt debate. I was v suggestive that we abandon our attempts at being alternative and just become mainstreamers however this is not the truth I wish to preach. Ultimately our interests should be what we enjoy and not chosen for the cool points they come with. Cool points are great, I collect them avidly, but what we need in our lives is BALANCE. To be a genuine, non-fad following, non-hipster-begging person, we must be both at once. A NON-DUALITY of mainstream and alternative. And, if you're lacking in one, fake it (best advice I've ever given I think).

Because I know how bad the internet loves list-style teachings on how 2 live ur lives (ref: buzzfeed, the 10 commandments), and because my blog is full of truth, I have created a short guide focussing on three areas of interest explaining how to fake ur way into being genuine. So put on your seatbelts because I'm about to drive you down the North Circular of life and there is tons of traffic so abrupt stopping and starting is to be expected, but we will arrive at the Little Chef of understanding and enlightenment v soon I promise.

MUSIK

You dig this old Elvis Presley track. Gr8!! What's not to dig? He had major style and wild music skills. Now, counterbalance this with the new Katy Perry album. Don't like Katy Perry? Neither do I but my friend, we all have to make sacrifices. No one will take you seriously as a person if you claim to have a refined music palette - this is a telling sign of someone that spends all their time researching KEWL music on the internet and downloading Wes Anderson soundtracks. Additionally, if you ever speak of that rad Elvis track you must mention that your parents or their parents showed it to you - I do not want to see any bragging about discovering some gem of an mp3 on your own accord even if it's truuuu.

However don't think your hours/years of trawling through alt playlists have gone to waste. I heard Pacific Air's (formerly known as KO KO) Float On three years ago on some - at the time - obscuro Birp! playlist. Today I heard it on Come Dine With Me. LIKE FINE WINE, FINE MUSIC WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME VALUABLE TO THE MASSES. Just keep your indie love on the dl until they hit it big. No. 1 rule: NEVER say "I've been a fan before they went mainstream." If you say that I will drop u (from the b ball team).

Now hippy hop is a v. complicated subject when faking genuineness. If you're a blessed poc then you do not need to fake any love for the music of our collective ancestry (this also applies to any 'cultural' music e.g. the sitar stylings of the l8 and gr8 ravi shankar bless his soul). If you're white (i.e. if it takes you longer than a season of Lost to name every 1/8th and 1/24th of your heritage), then the only black rappers you're allowed to "feel" is childish gambino 'because the internet', and tyler the creator because you are his target audience and his marketing game is strong. Look, I'm real sorry about this one. You may really like Nas and mos def, but you run the risk of being accused of 'not getting it'. You can listen, just don't hype too much because both the real world and the internet are full of peeps ready to throw white guilt at u.

FILM

Once again, take counterbalancing as a rule of thumb. For every new wave French film you watch, you must watch one blockbuster from this year. I don't care if you don't like superhero movies, your personal interests are beyond the point especially if they border on hipster. The aim here is to fake your identity into a well-rounded and genuine one. For instance, you watch Un Femme est un Femme (a well known Godard film, you get extra points for not picking an obscure one). You must balance this with an Avenger film. Conversation may go as such:

"The light-hearted view of relationships may be conflated with Parisians when it is actually the essence of the French new wave film genre - not the people. But yo, that bit in Iron Man 2 where he did the thing with the light up hands, shit that was #INSANE." (I have not seen any Avengers films lmao but COULD YOU TELL?)

Do your peers still think you're not being real? Do they see through your attempts at faking genuineness?? Here is the fall-back plan: WILDLY SLANDER A WES ANDERSON FILM. you may lose the respect of your hipster friends that you go to poetry readings with, but you'll gain the type of friends that would have your back in a knife fight and I think they're more important anyway.

FADS

If you're sharing my posts on google+, chances are you're a middle class white man who is over 23 but less than 32 (you are in a v. pivotal time of your life and I hope all goes well). If you're tweeting me, you've moved on from your 12+ oyster, 16+ oyster, and are now on the coveted 18+ oyster! And if you're reblogging me on tumblr then I know nothing of your life (I am both intrigued but cautious of internet strangers). Depending on our lifestyles, we all have different internet habits and may view different internet stuffs. Like the selection at Claire's Accessories, there really is something for everyone on the web. I'm not going to tell you how to navigate such a complicated network of porn and forums and porn forums - my only guidance here is to stick to the established internet culture of blogs, sites, social networks and memes (this is the only time I will ever advocate them), filter out the lame ones and DO NOT create new ones. We tend see a genuine thing, appreciate the genuine thing, then think how could we make this genuine thing more hip and current yet effortless. This is how seapunk happened and I am still recovering from it.

THIS is a genuwine appreciation for the sea and THIS is genuwine punk. Somehow these copulated up seapunk. The Guardian called it a "music internet joke subculture" but 2012 saw it become v. real and no longer a joke but a v unfunny and effortful fashion. Some peeps got mad

HOW MUCH DID AZAELIA BANKS GET ON BUDGET TO MAKE THE VIDEO FOR ATLANTIS? HOW MUCH DID SNL PAY RIHANNA TO ACT LIKE GRIMES ON A GREEN SCREEN?
— ∞SHANTASY☻ISLAND➫ (@ZOMBELLE_) November 12, 2012

but tbh if you're getting mad about this then you've been on the internet 4 too long. It's been 11 minutes since I found out about seapunk and I'm already over it. I could link some articles that will skool u on the seapunk controversies but it is wildly unimportant 2 our lives. What you should take away from this is if you see a new fad on the internet, my advice is: don't. imo you should get off the internet all together and go to Gok Wan for trend advice if you really don't want to look like you're joking.

CONCLUSION

I can't remember which bits of this are actual TRUTH and which bits are carefully constructed self-aware satire, but I would say don't take this guide as gospel - just remember it b4 u talk a big game about all the truffaut films u watch. People are always ready to call you out on your ingenuineness (ppl are cruel) so be proud of your quirks and interests, but don't get too hype and let them define you. I went to the midnight mass with my v. religious mum on xmas and the priest preached "moderation in moderation" i.e. BE CHILL - priestman killah may be right if he was talking about hipsterdom. Idk who am I to tell you how to live your life?? I've defined cool for you, and now I've given you some sweet tips on how to maintain this cool. So, in this on-going struggle between altlife and mainstream life, my definitive words of advice are: seek balance, and the cool will find u.

retribution

I am writing this in the early hours of the 8th January, Wednesday morning, 3am. I have my family around me. I am blessed with no allergies and my immune system is the envy of many a fallen friend yet, like the casual customer of Argos who's waited 3-5 working days for their new wristwatch to be delivered, MY TIME HAS COME. I have self-diagnosed TEMPOROMANDIBULAR JOINT DISORDER. About 20-30% of adults will suffer from this throughout their lives. You know how scary that is? I've nevr been in the minority other than in terms of ethnicity but that is another, bigger problem 2 be discussed l8r.

I am FRICKING the FUKK OUT right now, my friends. I'VE NEVR HAD A DISORDER - DISORDER SUGGESTS CHAOS AND MY BEING IS NOT READY FOR THIS WHEN I OCCASIONALLY GET STITCHES FROM THAT LITTLE JOG YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU. I even wrote positively dark diary entries documenting this bodily deterioration and I'm sorry in advance if I scare you but my soul is also afraid for my well-being and my chakra is out of whack right now, I'm losing who I am to my affliction. 

2/1/2014: "My body is breaking down. Joints audibly creak like my door did before mum rubbed Vaseline into the hinges. I will not take the chance of brittle bones in my youth and as such drank almost a litre of semi-skimmed milk today in a wild panic; I'm sure I weed most of the calcium out though. My jaw also clicks occasionally in the way your thumb and middle finger slide off each other as opposed to the sound itself. When I try to show someone though, the clicking stops. My body is developing skills to make sure any major illnesses go undetected and this makes me feel unjustly targeted as I don't tend to mistreat my bones." 

I knew from day two of 2014 that my body was CONSPIRING AGAINST ME. Is this what A$ap Rocky was talking abt? I would NEVR talk shit, especially if I knew I'd consequently get lock jaw. Still confused and frankly hurt by this unwarranted attack on my being from within, I continued to diary-write. 

4/1/2014: "My jaw has clicked to different degrees of severity all day. Decaying from head to toe, inside to outside; my jaw bone will be the first of me to go. Although I am wildly worried I may never chew unassisted again I am more concerned with whether this sudden breakdown of my being is my body punishing me for not drinking 8 glasses of water a day. As soon as I had this thought, I drank 4 glasses of water successively. I will work through the internal attack as best I can and try and reason with my body via vitamin D supplements."

5/1/2014: "Like chalk rubbing against chalk, the joint will wear softly away and my jaw will be last seen on the ground." 

7/1/2014: The left side of my jaw has, regrettably, slipped. The clicks are so consistent and frequent that I have succumbed to self-diagnosis. Temporomandibular Joint Disorder sounds v uncool and, although harmless, will impact my quality of life. Despite being a disorder, I will gain zero sympathy because this is a joke disorder. I will trust my self-diagnosis because I fear, as others experience with bipolar disorder, having 'temporomandibular joint disorder' on my medical records may affect my future job prospects. The chances of this are negligible however, with my quality of life soon to be impacted I cannot risk any other area of my life being affected by this cruel affliction. I am deteriorating from the crown to the floor; my neck aches now. My weak body is irreparable and I will soon start to see bonedust trailing behind on the floor - I prophesy the end of January because snow is forecast then." 

 I'm not sure what I was smoking when I wrote all of that, but it was definitely not drugs because I'm far too square to even joke abt doing anything illegal. My diary entries may sound like The Cure b-sides, but my dark and sexy writing is besides the point. The spooky tone is the well-known narrative voice of a girl that knows she has lost a battle against her temporomandibular joint. This is a sad day 4 rock n roll.

I'm making it out to be far more serious than it is (it's not srs at all, honestly, feel no pity 4 me), but TJD has so many syllables that it gets its own official abbreviation. Do you know what this implies? THAT IT'S A SEVERE AND LIFE-ALTERING DISORDER. IT'S NOT, THOUGH!! BUT SOMEONE WITH AN ACTUAL DISORDER IS GOING TO CALL ME OUT ON WRITING THIS WHINY POST AND EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M A DISORDER PHONY. WHAT A LIFE. My problem really isn't a big deal, but allow me to at least express my irrational yet deeply set fears in the privacy of my blog. How about if I'm talking 2 a potential life partner and he makes me laugh hella and my jaw just locks? u can't even pretend that's cute -yh you've seen films romanticise bipolar disorder, but how abt jaw lock? Or what if I'm in Japan 4 an undisclosed but v. important reason and I'm eating some fine food with some fine friends, then my jaw just locks up before I finish my meal? You can't not finish a meal in Japan - that is of great disrespect and I would bring shame upon the countries of which I am an ambassador for. This particular scenario could potentially be life-ruining. I'd carry that shame back to the UK and my friends would exclude me because of my differences. What if my peers start to call me 'Waka Locka Flame'? What if ppl laugh at me?~

mainstream SHAMESTREAM

Being alternative was a big issue in 2013. No one wanted to ride the main-stream when it was so controversial we didn't know whether it was ok or not. Ppl liked Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines but got DUNKED for being a supporter of this misogynistic man. Ppl were feeling Miley Cyrus' Can't Stop but were SLAMMED for being a fan of a major appropriator of black culture. You thought it was safe to throwback to R Kelly? THINK AGAIN you're going to get SPACEJAMMED because the media's remembered he was a huge paedo. I am running out of basketball verbs but basically 2013 was not a good year for riding the mainstream wave. So we all tried that bit extra to be a lil alternative.

(UPDATE: DRIBBLED is a good b-ball verb that I failed to use in the previous paragraph I am aware of this so pls look past it)

Begging the alternative life is not a good move. It's a try hard move. It's a move I am not about. I'm not going with the line of argument that mainstream culture is popular for a reason (although v true). The fact is: ALT LIFE is UNPOPULAR for a reason - a lot of it is hideously tacky and embarrassing.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about then I shall exemplify it with the biggest mainstream vs alt debate of our time: Simon or Garfunkel. Ok this one is easy - if you're #TEAMGARFUNKEL then u need to shut your lying mouth and gar the funkel out of here. I own Fate For Breakfast, Art's no.2 uk chart album featuring one of my fave album covers of all time (there were so many great photos to choose from that they released several).

 (A gripping trilogy, although there are even more out there. I own the seductive third one which is the coveted vinyl version.) Anyway - this lp is bad. IT'S SO BAD I LISTEN TO IT WHEN I'M JOKING. If you ever say you genuinely think this joker's solo stuff is better than our g-d Paul Simon's then you're either trying too hard to be alternative or u have tinnitus which I am v. sorry about.

These tacky alternatives are probably the same ppl who buy newly released vinyls in 2013. YEH the snap crackle and pop of records may sound ultra cool but my friend you are dropping £50 on a record player from ebay and £20 on the lp just to listen to Vampire Weekend pretend they're actually from 1985. Ur nostalgia for an era that wasn't even urs is tacky bye.

Buying vinyls in your #TEAMGARFUNKEL shirt is the least of my worries though. Your alternative lifestyle of buying organic soya chai tea is extra tacky. CHAI TEA are u joking w/ me? It's so overpriced they named it twice (british ppl u look so dumb right now all ur ex-british colonies r laughing at u because u keep saying it twice u couldn't even take a minute out of ur pillaging of resources to address this tautology? my friend, CHAI MEANS TEA oh my god my ancestors' ghosts take a shot everytime an english person says chai tea it brings them back 2 life). You're paying £3.50 for something you could've made at home with a 20p tea bag just so you can keep that stupid starbucks xmas red cup as a pencil pot are u for real? With £3.50 you can make 17 cups of fine chai tea at home and keep the extra 30p as tip 4 ur gr8 barista work. I hope u enjoy your expensive weak leaf water whilst eating ur extortionately priced churros from south bank smh che guevara did not die for this.


I hear some non believers that know me crying out BUT SADIA UR THE BEGGIEST ALTSTER EVR SO U CANT EVEN CHAT KMT STEP DOWN, I SWEAR YOU THRIFT? THAT'S SO WACKLEMORE!  Thrift is some glamorous 'united states of the americas' word for wearing hand-me-downs and buying jackets from probably unregistered charity shops. Since when has skintness become trendy? Expensive clothes that are made to look vintage - now that is tacky. Am Apparel sell a 'vintage minnesota gophers ice hockey championship t-shirt'. Ur friends are going 2 grill u about how the game was and u weren't even alive to see it. If ur a millennium kid then not even ur parents were alive u can't even pretend it was handed down oh my god all ur friends now think ur a beg. Is losing the respect of ur peers really worth 44 british pound sterling? Why are ppl buying 'vintage argyle lambswool and angora mock neck sweaters' for £87?? I swear there was a national holiday in the early 2000s when everyone had to burn every mock neck sweater they owned. Vintage as a fashion is NOT KOOL. 2013 has been the year of the thrift store IDEOLOGY but we're still buying our vintage from River Island - we've been hit by social cryptoamnesia; let's put away those cut-off jeans and go have a lie down. we've dissociated thrifting from poor peepz and turned it into some sort of alt fashion statement and I can't go for that cya.

Why do we even try and be alternative anymore? If we all do the same thing don't we just become the new majority except a lil bit more annoying?? 2013 was full of us youth begging it with our TWICE TEA, nostalgia for bad music and ugly sweaters just 2 seem alternative. I accept that some of us may genuinely have a refined taste for weird privilege music or drink assam instead of english breakfast tea - just don't use your expensive alt lifestyle as a bragging point when others of us weren't blessed with such cultural capital and elongated access to the internet. We've been overthinking everything just to construct coolness when coolness should come from within. In 2014 I propose we all cool it just a bit. Drop this beggy shame of 'mainstream culture' and be chill - a new year's resolution 4 us all. 

to all the non-believers...

I was NOT overreacting about how underwhelming the mona lisa was. You don't even need to have been to the Louvre yourself to know how disappointingly small it is. She is TINY, ok. proof below:

she's tiny as hell so all u non believers are real motherfukers

anyway, I said I'd look 4 more photos of ppl taking photos of mona, and I stuck 2 my word. Enjoy this exclusive PART DEUX (PART UN here) of my journalistic endeavours into the activity of the most under-documented fandom: the Monites

Monites paying up to €5 for audiotours about their queen - the cost of dedication

I can't see the actual painting but I'm not sure I mind

go big or go home

On the left: devout Monites, on the right: a NON BELIEVER

the face of a defeated man, unable 2 get close to his idol this time

I'm really pleased with the amount of interest I'm getting for these photos of monites - I hope one day I'll be acknowledged for my outstanding investigative journalism into this. I'll keep searching for more photos just for you guys, thanks!!

sales are the way, the truth and the life

HAPPY CYBER MONDAY!!

actual picture of me in my KEWL t-shirt

I dropped some serious british pound sterling on a camera and some clothes on a few online Black Friday sales. I livetweeted my moral conflict.

It shouldn't have troubled me so bad though. It's a day of great savings!! I can buy things for less, I'm supporting the weakening economy by letting my coveted british pound sterling circulate, and now I have some swish polos from Am Apparel for 75% off. Who's really losing here? Me, the consumer, to capitalism?

Buy Nothing Day is here 2 save us apparently, but its attempts at social change are kind of weak and embarrassing, as well as ineffective. Besides, flash mobs are super uncomfortable-making. I couldn't have supported BND anyway since the name didn't tell me what day it was on (a rookie mistake, imo).

U flashmobbers have got to chill out about consumerism. I'm a simple person with simple, selfish needs. I still want that lacoste polo whether I know I've been conditioned to want it or not. I'M 2 FAR GONE 2 B SAVED, just let me buy my way into class in peace!! I can only speak for myself, as someone who values gr8 savings more than having my own consciousness against capitalism, when I conclude: I'm already locked into my role as a unit of consumption, so it's a bit 2 late to change now by boycotting one annual sale.

Although it's fair to say the instore sales, which I would never partake in (I'm not about that life), get a bit out of hand - I completely forgot it was Black Friday on the day and went to Asdas to buy my basic foodstuffs. It was a TERRIFYING xp and I left empty handed and fearful. If I had a small child with me I would have inevitably and regrettably lost it in the crowd. But if u need some gr8 xmas presents yet don't have the british pound sterling to drop on full priced goods then your participation in Black Friday really shouldn't be condemned by a bunch of rando middle class students who think flash mobbing is some sort of statement. (I'd advise sticking to online shopping if you're aggressively prideful like me though.)

Am I trivialising the very important issue of consumerism? I guess so. Do I feel guilty? Now that you're flash-mobbing me, well yeah a lil. AM I GOING 2 STOP SUPPORTING CYBER MONDAY TODAY? PROBABLY NOT lol

we're all the chosen one

Through Wikipedia link hopping (how all great stories begin) I found the page describing the belief that you're the only one with consciousness and everyone else is almost definitely a robot. I made someone cry in primary school when I told her she was a robot and she was programmed to think otherwise but now I don't have to feel bad about it anymore because it has ITS OWN WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

There are two main types: metaphysical (you are a robot), and epistemological (you are a robot AS FAR AS I CAN TELL). I say robot but the actual term for it is 'philosophical zombie' or 'p-zombie' as all the cool millennium kidz say. Isn't SOLIPSISM incredibly selfish though? well YAH. Isn't it kind of stupid? YAH a bit. But can you disprove it? NAH.

SOLIPSISM is really cool because of how irrefutable it is. It sounds crazy I guess but so does the idea of an omnipotent embarrassing dad in the sky which we've taken to be pretty legit over the years. SOLIPSISM could even concur with religion - maybe our life is just one big, individual kobayashi maru programmed by the master computer GOD as an entrance test to the afterlife (James 1:12 - the proof is in the papyrus). The most sneaky thing about it however is that it gives everyone a reason to believe it. According to its postulate, YOU, the person reading this blog post, are the one conscious being and I'M the p-zom!! This is so embarrassing!! I'M the robot! (I struggle with captchas so it's a possibility).

I'd wondered why no one had written more on this decidedly rad meta topic (and why the wikipedia page was so scant of more info) but 'solipsiphers' probably didn't see the point writing for all us p-zoms. A bit unchill and selfish of them. We're all going 2 die 1 day anyway so let's listen to some jams about the inevitability of death.